Saying Goodbye

I promised to write another post on the sad part of Christmas so here goes. Like I said before, Avery and I went to Wichita Falls on the 19th for Christmas with my family. The plan was to come back on the 23rd to spend actual Christmas with Rustin's family.

Whenever I go to WF I feel like there are so many things I want to do and never enough time. There are a few people I always want to see, and my mom, my grandma and I usually have a few things we like to do together such as lunch at Samurai. This trip we also planned on looking at Christmas lights one night and taking Avery to the mall to see Santa. I felt like every second was already planned, but I wanted to go see my grandad in the hospital.

He had been in bad health for a while, and had been in the hospital many times before but was always fine and came back home. I guess because of that I thought he would be fine this time. He was in the hospital because he had an infection where he got his hip replaced. While there, they also found out he had lung cancer. Of course I knew that was bad, but from what my mom told me it seemed like the doctors weren't too concerned about the cancer. They said they had to treat the infection first before they could start on the cancer. I also never found out what stage it was or anything so I thought maybe it wasn't that bad. I also thought the infection wasn't that bad. I guess when I hear the word "infection" I don't think it's that serious. I mean it's not like we're on a Civil War battlefield. Usually you just take antibiotics and it's cleared up. Well because of my hectic schedule, and also because I really didn't think he was in as bad of shape as he was, I didn't plan to go see him until Wed. or Thurs. He passed away Tues. night. I am still mad at myself and struggling with guilt knowing that I was there most of the day Mon. and all day Tues. and didn't go up there. That it wasn't "high enough" on my to-do list. But that is just something I have to give to the Lord.

Tuesday night I was changing Avery when the phone rang. I didn't pay much attention then I heard a loud noise. I realized it was my mom crying. I knew it was about my grandad. She couldn't really talk except to say she was leaving and I could come. I loaded up Avery (she refused to go to bed till super late anyway) and followed her to my grandma's house. We met my aunt, cousin and grandma there and all went up to the hospital. I called Rustin on the way there and asked him to pray and told him I wasn't sure if my grandad had died or if they called and just told them it was getting close. I think I was in denial. I knew. Avery cried the whole way up there, which made things that much more stressful. I prayed that she would just stop crying long enough for me to spend time with my family at the hospital. God answered that prayer. I put her in the stroller (that thankfully Sarah let me borrow) and went in with the rest of my family to see my grandad lying in the hospital bed. It didn't seem real. I had seen him laying like that sleeping so many times that I felt like that was what he was doing. I was glad I had Avery there to sort of distract me because it was really hard. It was also just as hard to see my family in so much pain.

The next few days were very busy. Tues. we went to the funeral home to make the arrangements. Wed. we met with the pastor who was doing the funeral. We told him a story my grandad always liked to retell about me. I don't remember this but when I was younger he called and wanted to talk to me on the phone but I said "I'm eating a peanut!" Apparently eating a peanut was very important. He mentioned that at the funeral, which I thought was really nice. Thurs. was the visitation. Sometimes when things happen and I send flowers or go pay my respects I wonder if the people really care. I mean they have tons of other people doing stuff, but I can say from personal experience - it matters. I know my family appreciated the friends who came and the ones who sent flowers and cards.

The funeral was Fri. and needless to say I was not looking forward to it. I had several friends help me out which meant more to me than they know. Vanessa opened up her closet and let me borrow dresses, tights and boots. Since I wasn't planning on going to a funeral, I didn't bring anything nice. Then Jana and her mom watched Avery for me. I knew if I brought her, I wouldn't really be able to pay attention because I would be worried about her, and I would more than likely have to step out because she would cry. I didn't know what to do since this was the first time ALL of my family was busy. So I was so thankful they offered to do that. Jana even sent me pics of her reading a little book while they were watching her :) My dad also watched Avery a lot that week while I did stuff with my family. Rustin came into town that day to support me, and also because he was one of the pall bearers.

Even though it was sad, it was a nice service. Then we went out to Crestview for the graveside. I would give anything if I would have taken a picture of this, but it was a  dreary, windy, cold day and as we drove up to the grave, I looked behind me. All the pall bearers were carrying the casket up a small hill with the gray sky behind them. I'll always have that picture in my mind. The flowers on the casket were beautiful, and when we went out there a few days later, they were on the grave and still looked perfect.

After this happened, I just really felt like my family needed me at Christmas. And I needed them. Rustin and his family understood and I stayed in WF. My grandparents' 56th anniversary would have been Dec. 30 so I wanted to stay at least until then to spend time with my grandma that day. I can only imagine how hard this is for her.

Like I said earlier, my grandad had been in bad health for a while and I remember praying that he would be able to make it to my wedding. Not only did he do that, but he also got to meet Avery. That means so much to me. I still remember him holding her the day he met her. He said something like "I'm holding hands with this little girl." I looked and he had her little hand in his.

Things like this are never easy, but I'm thankful that it's not the end. They were going to run more tests on him on Wed. but instead of more pain, Jesus decided He wanted my grandad home with Him, and I'm thankful I will see him there one day.