Tired of Comparing

I am exhausted. Not from Avery’s sleep schedule. That’s what I thought it was and what I blamed it on, but for the most part she’s sleeping through the night. No, she’s still not taking good naps, but I’m usually getting about 8 hours a night. (Don’t worry this isn’t another post about her sleeping :) No, I realized I am exhausted from trying to measure up. All my life I’ve been a perfectionist. I got my name on the board one time in elementary because I misplaced my book, and I thought my world was ending. I don’t think my parents had to ever really discipline me. All it took was a look and I was back on track. I’ve always wanted to please people. In school I had to get good grades. Never in my life did I get a C on a report card. I’m not saying this to say that I’m smart. There were classes that were very hard for me, but the thing with school is I could control it. If the class was hard, I studied harder. I learned to control things in my life to make them as perfect as possible.

I knew I needed to work on this before I had a kid. I read a book a few summers ago called Death by Suburb. It was really good and made me realize I don’t want to get sucked into the competition in suburbia of who has the nicest house and whose kid is doing (insert whatever milestone) first. I didn’t want to put that pressure on her. I didn’t want to make her feel like she had to perform for me to love her.  

Then I had her. My perfectionism and control issues came out full force. There was only one problem this time – I was dealing with a person. I could read tons of books. I could talk to tons of people. I could keep detailed logs of her sleeping and eating habits. I could try out different solutions from “experts” to get her to fit the schedule I wanted her to. But she’s just a baby. No matter what I did, I couldn’t control her. I kept thinking if I just kept researching I would find the “cure” for her lack of napping and schedule. Confession – I even called Dr. Weissbluth’s practice (the author of Healthy Sleep Habits) in Chicago to set up a sleep consultation over the phone. Then I found out it was $800. Instead of thinking, ok that’s crazy, Avery’s fine. I thought – where can I get $800? What can I sell on eBay?

I think what pushed me over the edge was talking to a well-meaning friend at a party. Her baby was born about a week before Avery. Her baby had been on a schedule since about 7 weeks. Woke up every day at 7:30, naps twice for two hours at the same exact times each day, eats at the same exact time. For some reason this devastated me. I felt like I had failed as a mother. This mom obviously did something right that I completely missed. I felt like I failed Avery. This mom followed Babywise. While she was talking about it, the judgmental voice in my head kept saying “maybe if you had followed Babywise, your baby would be on a schedule too.” Yes, I read Babywise (wasn’t a huge fan). But then I had a colicky baby. A schedule was the last thing on my mind. My sole goal in life for 3 months became to help her stop crying. I knew this mom didn’t have a colicky baby so there was no way for her to understand what I had gone through.

That “breakdown” (and Rustin) helped me wake up and realize why I was doing all of this. I kept telling myself I was doing it for Avery. I wanted her to get enough sleep so she would be healthy and well rested. But for the most part now (after the colic) she is a pretty happy baby. So is it really all for her or is it for me to show that I’m the perfect mother and have the perfect baby? I sadly realized it’s the latter.

I know this is something that I will continually need to work on, but I’m glad I realized my fault now, not when she’s on some sports team and I’m the crazy mom yelling in the stands as if it’s the Superbowl. I don’t want Avery to feel like she needs to perform or be perfect to be worthy of love. My mission as a mother is to point her to Christ. He doesn’t want our good deeds or performance. And I don’t want her to grow up thinking she has to be perfect for Him to love her because that’s what she has to do for her mom. I want to emulate His love and accept her as she is (I’m not talking about discipline here). I just pray that the Lord will continue to guide me as I take on the hardest but greatest job of my life. I guess if she had a perfect mother, she wouldn’t have a need for a Savior.

Avery 4 Months

Avery turned 4 months on January 7. She just had her check up yesterday though. She now weighs 13 pounds! I believe it...and so does my bicep! I need to start weight training or something because it's getting hard to hold her for very long, and I know it's only going to get worse!

Here are a few pictures of her lately. First is one of her in her bumbo chair. She looks like she's about to say something very important.

I've been reading the Llama Llama books to her and my mom got her her own Llama. She loves him, even though he's as big as her!

Then we did her 4 month photo shoot -

 She can sort of sit up now so I took one of those too -

Well I can't post without saying something about her sleeping schedule (or lack thereof). I feel like I always have to add this disclaimer - this may be boring if you aren't going through this right now, but I wanted to write about it to maybe help someone else. I have loved my friends telling me what their baby was doing at this time and what worked for them.

When she basically wasn't sleeping at all and had colic bad I kept comforting myself with the fact that it's supposed to end at 3 months. Also, according to Happiest Baby on the Block, they were supposed to be done with the "4th trimester" and not need the things to recreate the womb and calm them like swaddling and swinging. So I guess I just had this expectation that 3 months would hit and she magically wouldn't cry anymore and start sleeping great. Well nothing changed. Then I was reading more stuff and it seemed that it sometimes takes babies to 4 months. So I thought ok, I can make it to 4 months. Well 4 months came and still no change, so I was pretty discouraged.

I was very concerned with her sleep because it directly affected me! I've always needed a lot of sleep. I used to say that sort of tongue-in-cheek knowing it was probably just an excuse for me being lazy, but I really think it's true. Some kids sleep more than others, so why would that not follow you into adulthood? When I started kindergarten, I was still taking a nap. My mom was worried about how I'd do. I guess I got through it, but even through my career, I wanted a nap. When I was teaching I would leave early and take work home so I could do it later, but I needed a nap first! Left to my own schedule in the summers, I would sleep 10-11 hours every night. That's just my natural rhythm. So to be sleep deprived for months was really hard for me, and I was desperate for a solution!

The book I LOVE (and I think have memorized now) - Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child - said that at 4 months you can start letting them cry it out. I was against cry it out. I didn't want to do it. But I tried EVERYTHING else. In fact, I think I researched too much. There are so many different theories out there, and I was driving myself crazy reading the pros and cons of everything. I finally decided to pick just ONE method and stick to it, and I chose that book. I feel like the author is very middle of the road, and he's a doctor. A few of the other sleep books are written by people with no medical background or education on sleep disorders, and I'm wary of those. I just knew that Avery wasn't sleeping and neither was I, so for her own good something had to be done. The book said something about how you're not making her cry, you're allowing her to cry. I know as she's growing up there will be many times like this. When she gets older and wants to eat candy for breakfast or something, I may have to allow her to cry, but my decision is for her own good.

There were several sleep problems I needed to tackle. First, she was still sleeping swaddled in her swing. Also her bedtime was WAY too late (10-12pm), and her naps were only 20 minutes. I decided to keep everything the same (swing, swaddle, etc) and work on her bedtime first. With the guidance and encouragement of a couple of friends (Sarah and April) I decided to put her to bed when I knew she was tired and needed to sleep and allow her to cry if needed. I fed her right before putting her down, made sure she had a clean diaper with diaper cream on, and was burped. I knew all of her needs were met and all she needed was sleep. Letting her cry was the hardest thing I've ever done. The first 2 nights she cried on/off for an hour. I wanted to go get her so bad. But after that she only cried about 20 mins and the last few nights she hasn't cried hardly at all. I hesitate to write anything like that because I feel like when I do, the next night she regresses, but for now she's doing ok with bedtime.

My next task is to get her out of the swing and to the crib. I've just started it today and I'm nervous, but I need to do it. Next I want to work on her naps, but the book says they may not be regular until 5 months. But I have reduced the amount of time I was soothing her. I was holding her and bouncing on an exercise ball (she wouldn't even let me rock her) forever. As she got heavier, I physically couldn't do it anymore. Now I bounce her for just a few minutes (less than 5), sing to her and put her down drowsy but awake. The first few times she cried for about 15-20 minutes. Now she may cry right when I put her down, but then stops about 5 seconds later and goes to sleep. She doesn't stay asleep as long as I'd like, but at least I'm not killing myself getting her down anymore.

I've kept a log of her sleep/eat times for 2.5 months now to look for patterns. Her "schedule" was all over the place, so there aren't many patterns yet, but it is helpful to go back and see if she's improving. I'm glad that I have it and will be able to refer to it when I have another little one.

I could go on and on but I'll stop there. If I could go back I wouldn't have researched so much. There are so many people with different opinions, especially if you look on the discussion boards on babycenter, etc. Then you start trying all these new ideas and it doesn't work because you're not consistent. I would have just read the Healthy Sleep Habits book and stuck with it. Hopefully things will get better and maybe I'll be a pro when it's time for the second baby!

Saying Goodbye

I promised to write another post on the sad part of Christmas so here goes. Like I said before, Avery and I went to Wichita Falls on the 19th for Christmas with my family. The plan was to come back on the 23rd to spend actual Christmas with Rustin's family.

Whenever I go to WF I feel like there are so many things I want to do and never enough time. There are a few people I always want to see, and my mom, my grandma and I usually have a few things we like to do together such as lunch at Samurai. This trip we also planned on looking at Christmas lights one night and taking Avery to the mall to see Santa. I felt like every second was already planned, but I wanted to go see my grandad in the hospital.

He had been in bad health for a while, and had been in the hospital many times before but was always fine and came back home. I guess because of that I thought he would be fine this time. He was in the hospital because he had an infection where he got his hip replaced. While there, they also found out he had lung cancer. Of course I knew that was bad, but from what my mom told me it seemed like the doctors weren't too concerned about the cancer. They said they had to treat the infection first before they could start on the cancer. I also never found out what stage it was or anything so I thought maybe it wasn't that bad. I also thought the infection wasn't that bad. I guess when I hear the word "infection" I don't think it's that serious. I mean it's not like we're on a Civil War battlefield. Usually you just take antibiotics and it's cleared up. Well because of my hectic schedule, and also because I really didn't think he was in as bad of shape as he was, I didn't plan to go see him until Wed. or Thurs. He passed away Tues. night. I am still mad at myself and struggling with guilt knowing that I was there most of the day Mon. and all day Tues. and didn't go up there. That it wasn't "high enough" on my to-do list. But that is just something I have to give to the Lord.

Tuesday night I was changing Avery when the phone rang. I didn't pay much attention then I heard a loud noise. I realized it was my mom crying. I knew it was about my grandad. She couldn't really talk except to say she was leaving and I could come. I loaded up Avery (she refused to go to bed till super late anyway) and followed her to my grandma's house. We met my aunt, cousin and grandma there and all went up to the hospital. I called Rustin on the way there and asked him to pray and told him I wasn't sure if my grandad had died or if they called and just told them it was getting close. I think I was in denial. I knew. Avery cried the whole way up there, which made things that much more stressful. I prayed that she would just stop crying long enough for me to spend time with my family at the hospital. God answered that prayer. I put her in the stroller (that thankfully Sarah let me borrow) and went in with the rest of my family to see my grandad lying in the hospital bed. It didn't seem real. I had seen him laying like that sleeping so many times that I felt like that was what he was doing. I was glad I had Avery there to sort of distract me because it was really hard. It was also just as hard to see my family in so much pain.

The next few days were very busy. Tues. we went to the funeral home to make the arrangements. Wed. we met with the pastor who was doing the funeral. We told him a story my grandad always liked to retell about me. I don't remember this but when I was younger he called and wanted to talk to me on the phone but I said "I'm eating a peanut!" Apparently eating a peanut was very important. He mentioned that at the funeral, which I thought was really nice. Thurs. was the visitation. Sometimes when things happen and I send flowers or go pay my respects I wonder if the people really care. I mean they have tons of other people doing stuff, but I can say from personal experience - it matters. I know my family appreciated the friends who came and the ones who sent flowers and cards.

The funeral was Fri. and needless to say I was not looking forward to it. I had several friends help me out which meant more to me than they know. Vanessa opened up her closet and let me borrow dresses, tights and boots. Since I wasn't planning on going to a funeral, I didn't bring anything nice. Then Jana and her mom watched Avery for me. I knew if I brought her, I wouldn't really be able to pay attention because I would be worried about her, and I would more than likely have to step out because she would cry. I didn't know what to do since this was the first time ALL of my family was busy. So I was so thankful they offered to do that. Jana even sent me pics of her reading a little book while they were watching her :) My dad also watched Avery a lot that week while I did stuff with my family. Rustin came into town that day to support me, and also because he was one of the pall bearers.

Even though it was sad, it was a nice service. Then we went out to Crestview for the graveside. I would give anything if I would have taken a picture of this, but it was a  dreary, windy, cold day and as we drove up to the grave, I looked behind me. All the pall bearers were carrying the casket up a small hill with the gray sky behind them. I'll always have that picture in my mind. The flowers on the casket were beautiful, and when we went out there a few days later, they were on the grave and still looked perfect.

After this happened, I just really felt like my family needed me at Christmas. And I needed them. Rustin and his family understood and I stayed in WF. My grandparents' 56th anniversary would have been Dec. 30 so I wanted to stay at least until then to spend time with my grandma that day. I can only imagine how hard this is for her.

Like I said earlier, my grandad had been in bad health for a while and I remember praying that he would be able to make it to my wedding. Not only did he do that, but he also got to meet Avery. That means so much to me. I still remember him holding her the day he met her. He said something like "I'm holding hands with this little girl." I looked and he had her little hand in his.

Things like this are never easy, but I'm thankful that it's not the end. They were going to run more tests on him on Wed. but instead of more pain, Jesus decided He wanted my grandad home with Him, and I'm thankful I will see him there one day.

Avery's First Christmas

I'm not sure where to even start with this Christmas. It was wonderful because it's the first one I got to spend with my little girl. I didn't find out I was pregnant with her until early January, so last year at Christmas I was praying so hard for her. Now I am so blessed and happy she is here. But it was also an incredibly sad Christmas because my Grandad passed away on the 20th. I think it would just be too hard to try to write one post and combine such opposing emotions, so for this post I am just going to focus on the good parts of this Christmas and write a separate post about my Grandad later.

Avery started off the holidays with a new trick - the night before we left for Wichita Falls (the 18th) she rolled over for the first time! I thought it might be a fluke so I put her back on her tummy to see if she'd do it again and she did, but she hasn't done it since, so I'm not sure what to make of that. I guess she'll do it again when she's ready.

Avery and I left for Wichita Falls on Dec. 19. I was going to spend the week before Christmas with my family since it was Rustin's parents' turn to get us for Christmas this year. I had a hair appointment scheduled on the 20th to dye my hair back to its natural color, and much to my surprise (and I think everyone else's) I actually went through with it... and even like it! I just wanted a change and since my hair is so dark naturally, I felt like I had noticeable roots two weeks after getting my hair highlighted. Plus, it's expensive! Here is a picture of the new look...

We tried to do a photo shoot of Avery in her "First Christmas" outfit my grandma gave her but it didn't go too well because she wouldn't look at the camera and kept making faces like this...



And this...

Also the outfit was very close to being too small, and to make matters worse (or more funny) she kept grabbing her shirt and lifting it up to reveal her poochy little tummy.

We went over to my grandma's and had Christmas lunch and decided to take a few more pictures of Avery with the family.



After lunch we came home and opened presents. I think Avery got the most! She even got a cute little dress all the way from Virginia from Aunt Holly and Uncle Greg!

My grandma and aunt came by a lot that week to visit with Avery and she liked chatting with them. Here is a picture of her doing what she loves - holding her hands and laughing.

I'll end with an update on Avery's sleep habits (my main concern). She is still doing the same thing - only taking 20 minute naps during the day and not going to sleep until around 10 at night. I've tried everything to get her to nap longer and go to bed earlier and nothing works. I guess the only thing I haven't tried is cry it out. I just don't know if I can do it. Part of me thinks that it would be cruel to let her cry like that, but then the other part of me knows that sometimes as a parent you have to do hard things for the benefit of your child. I want her to have healthy sleep habits and for our whole family to be rested, but how? I think I've driven myself crazy reading all the books and their opposing points of view and still feel just as lost. If any moms have any advice on what they did to sleep train their babies, I would love to hear it. I want to do what is best for her, but I just don't know what that is. But I do know that what I'm doing right now is not working and she's not sleeping enough.