Tired of Comparing

I am exhausted. Not from Avery’s sleep schedule. That’s what I thought it was and what I blamed it on, but for the most part she’s sleeping through the night. No, she’s still not taking good naps, but I’m usually getting about 8 hours a night. (Don’t worry this isn’t another post about her sleeping :) No, I realized I am exhausted from trying to measure up. All my life I’ve been a perfectionist. I got my name on the board one time in elementary because I misplaced my book, and I thought my world was ending. I don’t think my parents had to ever really discipline me. All it took was a look and I was back on track. I’ve always wanted to please people. In school I had to get good grades. Never in my life did I get a C on a report card. I’m not saying this to say that I’m smart. There were classes that were very hard for me, but the thing with school is I could control it. If the class was hard, I studied harder. I learned to control things in my life to make them as perfect as possible.

I knew I needed to work on this before I had a kid. I read a book a few summers ago called Death by Suburb. It was really good and made me realize I don’t want to get sucked into the competition in suburbia of who has the nicest house and whose kid is doing (insert whatever milestone) first. I didn’t want to put that pressure on her. I didn’t want to make her feel like she had to perform for me to love her.  

Then I had her. My perfectionism and control issues came out full force. There was only one problem this time – I was dealing with a person. I could read tons of books. I could talk to tons of people. I could keep detailed logs of her sleeping and eating habits. I could try out different solutions from “experts” to get her to fit the schedule I wanted her to. But she’s just a baby. No matter what I did, I couldn’t control her. I kept thinking if I just kept researching I would find the “cure” for her lack of napping and schedule. Confession – I even called Dr. Weissbluth’s practice (the author of Healthy Sleep Habits) in Chicago to set up a sleep consultation over the phone. Then I found out it was $800. Instead of thinking, ok that’s crazy, Avery’s fine. I thought – where can I get $800? What can I sell on eBay?

I think what pushed me over the edge was talking to a well-meaning friend at a party. Her baby was born about a week before Avery. Her baby had been on a schedule since about 7 weeks. Woke up every day at 7:30, naps twice for two hours at the same exact times each day, eats at the same exact time. For some reason this devastated me. I felt like I had failed as a mother. This mom obviously did something right that I completely missed. I felt like I failed Avery. This mom followed Babywise. While she was talking about it, the judgmental voice in my head kept saying “maybe if you had followed Babywise, your baby would be on a schedule too.” Yes, I read Babywise (wasn’t a huge fan). But then I had a colicky baby. A schedule was the last thing on my mind. My sole goal in life for 3 months became to help her stop crying. I knew this mom didn’t have a colicky baby so there was no way for her to understand what I had gone through.

That “breakdown” (and Rustin) helped me wake up and realize why I was doing all of this. I kept telling myself I was doing it for Avery. I wanted her to get enough sleep so she would be healthy and well rested. But for the most part now (after the colic) she is a pretty happy baby. So is it really all for her or is it for me to show that I’m the perfect mother and have the perfect baby? I sadly realized it’s the latter.

I know this is something that I will continually need to work on, but I’m glad I realized my fault now, not when she’s on some sports team and I’m the crazy mom yelling in the stands as if it’s the Superbowl. I don’t want Avery to feel like she needs to perform or be perfect to be worthy of love. My mission as a mother is to point her to Christ. He doesn’t want our good deeds or performance. And I don’t want her to grow up thinking she has to be perfect for Him to love her because that’s what she has to do for her mom. I want to emulate His love and accept her as she is (I’m not talking about discipline here). I just pray that the Lord will continue to guide me as I take on the hardest but greatest job of my life. I guess if she had a perfect mother, she wouldn’t have a need for a Savior.